I am grumpyfor 12345678910 different reasonsdragging my offspringfrom store to crowded, overpriced, storeas Superman insistson pushing the cartbumping into wallsanddisplaysplaced in the middle of the aisle (WHO THOUGHT OF THIS?!!)I bribewith donutsandchocolateand try one nostril breathing(some yoga crap I saw once)but it doesn’t workand the blood pressure climbsas I continue to deplete my bank accountat…
The Lady Behind Me In Line Would Probably Trade Places With Me If I Let Her But Just For the Record, I Wouldn’t.
Everyone Should Have a Calm Chart
I am observing Monchichi in therapy with Wonder Woman, our wonderful, irreplaceable, brilliant autism therapist who we lovingly refer to as “BOSS.” He is learning a new technique to keep his anger and frustration in check. He can’t tell us to “piss off” so he yells and grunts and flaps instead. It’s okay now, at…
Can Reindeer Be Jewish?
I am paying the pricefor keeping my childrenindoorstoday bycounting to 400 during catch bywiping drool and cheese crackers off of the leather couches bybreaking up a Mack Truck Mid-day Standoff byfielding questionssuch as “Can We Play Catch Again?” “Can I Have More Chocolate?” “When Will Daddy Get Home?” “Can Reindeer Be Jewish?” To which I replied:…
Be Nice to Your Kids. They May Be Changing Your Diapers One Day.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from caring for my elderly grandmother, it’s that old folks are deceptively heavy. Especially naked. When trying to give them a shower. If there’s another thing I’ve learned, it’s to start sucking up to your kids. Now. Because it’s never to early to begin planning for that stage in your life…
Sort of Like Going to Hawaii But Actually Totally Not the Same
6:00 a.m. the internal alarm clock forces me out of bedthough i have made sure the curtains are all but glued shut. Cold pizza packed for husband’s lunchHalf Caff sloppily tossed into leaking coffeemakermeowing cats fed, strong aroma illicits mental note to change litterboxloving hug from firstborn leaves wet mark, prompting bathtime to be moved…
Find Something To Celebrate
My best friend (the one I keep around because she knows way too much) said something pivotal to me in the wake of what experts in the field would coin as a Crappy Week. “Find something to celebrate, “ she said, as she handed me a home cooked meal complete with a chilled bottle of Martinelli’s Sparkling Cider. I…
Love Is An Action Word
Sneaking quietlyacross the dark hallwaydesperate for that first cup of what saves mei hear your trademark thumpannouncing your arrivalyour finger pointing at your mouthI wish I had already gone to the bathroombut I open the fridgeand get to workBecauseLove IsAn Action Word You wait untilI am melted into the couchwatching bad televisiongiving in and giving…