I’ve been sick for almost a week now with what appears to be the Cold from Hell. I’m sure it’s got an actual official name such as Coldus Luciferus, but Cold from Hell works too.
Being sick isn’t even the worst part though.
I also happen to be Polish (as in, I was born in Poland. I do not possess a strong affinity for removing smudges from wood furniture and returning it to it’s original sheen; just ask my husband).
Anyway, being Polish and being sick means that:
a. I sneeze with a slavic accent
b. I’m surrounded by three Polish women who are using every Old World method known to Eastern European Mankind in the hopes of curing me, or killing me via garlic overdose.
Odds are on the latter.
I’m tempted to tell you the correct answer is a, just to mess with you, but that would be cruel and only something I would fall for, so in the spirit of keeping things real around here, the answer you’re looking for is b.
I’ve had more garlic in the last few days than I’ve had collectively over the course of my entire life. I’ve had it raw, on bread, in soup, pureed, in capsule form, sauteed, crushed, whipped, frozen into little Polish flags, baked into pie, made into syrup, smeared onto my chest and back and thrown over my left shoulder (just in case).
Usually I can fend off my mom but this time I’m super outnumbered as my aunt is in town visiting her sister (my mom) and her mother (my grandmother) so now there are
three crazy b#$ches very WONDERFUL, KINDHEARTED, and CONVINCING (just in case they’re listening) womenfolk shoving a steady supply of garlic – and its close cousin onion – into every available orifice I have.
Use your imagination.
Or don’t, if you value your appetite.
Normally I’d try to put up more of a fight but based on a series of recent events, I’m starting to see the seriousness of the situation and have surrendered myself in a pathetic attempt to retire the Vicks Vapor Rub, which has gained significant status around here in the last week and is now more valuable to me than my husband, children, and Keurig combined.
So, what exactly led me to wave the white flag you ask? (Do me a solid and just play along like you asked):
*While making myself a simple breakfast this morning, I but the bread in the toaster, plugged it in, then put it on the stove to “heat it up”.
*I’ve been trying to figure out why my house smells like a commune of dirty hippies with an aversion to soap and water and an over-abundance of sweat glands had moved in until I realized, while reaching across my midline to retrieve something, that it was me. The smell has been coming from me the whole time.
*I had a rather compelling discussion regarding the fundamentals of energy conservation and how over-consumption will ultimately lead to the psychological deterioration and physical demise of humankind.
With our cats.
So, garlic it is.