There was a bee on my driver’s side window this morning

Ian noticed it first.

I thought it odd, a bee milling about on a rainy day

and assumed it would fly away once I opened my car door.

But there it was,

stubborn and

refusing to budge

 

I though it would get the hint as I revved my engine

backed out of my driveway

and headed down the hill and towards the day

but still, there it was, determined as ever

and it was then that I realized

it was hanging on for dear life

and not just taking

a joy ride

 

My therapist and I discussed pain at our last session

she, like me, believes that animals and insects and most living things can and do feel pain

but, unlike the complex and self-centered human

they do not contemplate the pain, or why it’s there, or who or what caused it

they are in pain

and it just IS

 

I think about this as I continue to drive towards my destination

my gaze alternating between the road and this little bee

his tiny paper thin wings beating wildly against the window,

the wind a force to be reckoned with as I drive through green lights and four-way intersections

 

Every once in a while

when I am forced to stop

I watch the bee and silently apologize for the pain it must be in

It’s a strange sensation

Lord knows I’ve killed plenty of bees in my day

but this morning

I am rooting for this damn bee

 

For some reason or another, today this bee represents survival

the kind of survival instinct you cling to and claw at when there is nothing left

the kind of survival instinct that defies logic and leaves you feeling immortal when you succeed

the kind of survival instinct that you see in the movies

and sometimes hear about in real life

the kind of survival instinct

I would hope I could count on and call upon

if needed.

 

Two miles now

and this bee is hanging tough

and Ian and I are crossing our fingers and

chanting outloud

“Hang on Bee!! HANG ON!!!!!”

as I drive waaaaaay under the speed limit

 

Just a few short blocks

and we’ll stop the car

and the bee can crawl away

and I can go on with my day

and

FORGET about this damn bee

 

But

a gust of wind proves too formidable a foe

and the bee

despite it’s courageous commitment

is carried away

against its wishes

it’s last flight

a flight to the finish

and not on its terms

 

and for the rest of the day

no matter how hard I try

or what I do

I can’t seem to get that poor

stupid

naive

determined

delusional

little bee

out of my head

 

bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz