Recently my husband did something that is proving quite detrimental to his overall health and well being.

He started a Facebook account.
This has me slightly annoyed.  And by slightly annoyed I mean blindingly pissed.  But I’ve tried to downplay it by offering him technical support:

“I’d love to help you cancel your account.”

For some reason he hasn’t taken me up on my offer and  instead insists on continuing with setting up his profile by posting some photos and adding Friends to his growing collection. 

The latter is what annoys me most.  Why does he suddenly feel the need to befriend so many people? 
Aren’t I enough?  Since when is having your wife as your only source for comfort, entertainment, and explicit locker room jokes been unhealthy for a marriage? 

And anyway, the Friends on Facebook are merely suggestions and not meant to be taken seriously or acted upon. 

Especially if the Friend that is being suggested is of the female persuasion and her profile picture is a close up of her cleavege vacationing in Key West on a hot summer day.

I don’t care how happily married I am (VERY HAPPILY by the way, in case any of you Facebook Skanks were wondering), everytime I check his profile (which, by my latest calculations is only several thousand times per day) and I see his status updated with “Michael is now friends with Brittany,” or some other stripper name, I have to fight the urge to gnaw off my arm so I can beat him over the head with it.

What I’m trying to say is that I’ve come up with a mastermind plan and I need your help.  It’s simple really. I want you to cancel your Facebook account immediately and tell all of your Friends to cancel their accounts who will in turn tell their Friends to cancel their accounts until we’ve eradicated this diseased social media tool that is turning stable housewives like myself into neurotic sociopaths who are spending all of their waking hours perusing their loved one’s profile with a fine tooth mouse and who may or may not have stopped all efforts at maintaining personal hygiene and were last seen foraging for food in their belly buttons.


I’m really worried about my husband you guys.

So help me help him by shutting down your Facebook account.

For him. 

For us. 

For chubby insecure wives who can’t get a grip and are convinced the man of their dreams is having a virtual affair with someone who Likes “Single Women Who Prey on Happily Married Men” and “Oops, I forgot I was wearing a thong when I bent over to pick up that thing I dropped.”

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3 Replies to “Facebook Envy”

  1. I have to confess I love my facebook account. My husband didn't like that I had one at first. The part he didn't like was how much fun I was having finding old friends, and it was taking up my free time that I was spending with him after the kids went to bed. I have had the account one year now, have 419 friends, yes I actually know them all, they go way back to elementary school too. I enjoy hearing what became of my high school classmates, etc. I assure my hubby I don't chat with guys and always comment about my family and hubby, making it clear I'm not looking for anything else. I think conveying to him about what you don't like, is a good thing. And, trusting him and stop feeling insecure is a second good thing. I bet you have nothing to worry, and its irrational fear that all us females get at times. I don't think I have helped you feel any better, but, I did enjoy your humorous way of describing the situation.

  2. Thank you for your comment on my blog Adventures With Beth. We have installed a half door on our classroom with a special lock that the kids can't open. Running is definitely an issue with a couple of the kids.

    P.S. My husband and I share a Facebook account. My name is first, his is the 'middle' name, then our last name. In your case, that might let everyone 'else' know he is very happily married!!

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