I haven’t felt like blogging much lately.
Mostly it’s because I’m on a diet.
It’s sort of taken away my whole will to live and also, most of my free time is spent weighing myself and graphing minute by minute changes in my @ss to waist ratio, which, according to my latest calculations, is somewhere in the area of “move aside folks, let her through,” and “ma’am, the only thing we have in your size is this lovely parachute.” You can imagine how inspirational this process is.
Truthfully, part of the reason I started blogging in the first place was because it was the perfect opportunity to binge on laptop friendly fare such as anything with a sugar content above 250 mg. per serving. The creative juices (can’t have juice either by the way) just don’t flow as freely when I’m nibbling on butter leaf lettuce (whose name is completely misleading, as there is not an ounce of butter anywhere to be found).
But things are going great. Why just the other day someone walked by me wearing the most sweet smelling perfume and I was able to show true restraint and dedication and only lick her a little.
I just thought of something alarming.
What if I’m not as funny or entertaining when I’m all skinny and hot? What if I no longer have the ability to mesmerize my audience with my wit and endless literary talents and instead begin posting sexy pictures of myself in alluring outfits and end up with a reality show and a Sports Illustrated cover shoot? Surely my new bikini bod and subsequent fame will end up isolating the majority of my readership who, let’s face it, could stand to get on the stationary bike now and then (of course I don’t mean YOU honey) and then what?
No. I’ve thought long and hard about this and it just wouldn’t be fair to do that to you guys! You’ve been loyal readers for at least the duration of this post, and so the least I can do is take one for the team and undermine my weight loss efforts with an old fashioned high fructose corn syrup binge every once in a while.
You can thank me later.
When I’m in the hospital, recovering from my diabetic coma.