March 2010

Whatever Happened to Mary and Her Freakin Lamb?

Maybe I’m just being overly dramatic (completely out of character, I know) but I’m thinking that these little cd sets featuring kids singing mainstream music are sort of….inappropriate. I don’t know about you, but lyrics such as these just don’t sound right coming from singers who still need help wiping the doodie from their behinds: Ain’t [...]

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Mommy Math: Preventing Teen Pregnancies, One Equation at a Time

5:35 a.m. plus 2 cranky and starving offspring minus 4 hours of sleep multiplied by 3 overflowing laundry hampers divided by 0 nannies and/or housekeepers raised to the power of 10 short order meals carrying over the 2 cases of Impetigo quantified by x( ”MoooooooommmmmmmyI’mBooooooooooooored.”)___________________________________________y(“Iswearifyoudon’tSHUTitI’mgoingtocomedownthereand….”) equals the “Imayhaveglorifiedmytwoweekspringbreakjustatadandnowi’mstuckwithtwoveryneedyshortpeoplesopleasesendhelpandifyouareahornyteenagerreadingthiskeepyourpantsonfortheloveofGodTheorem.” I think this kind of math is way more useful [...]

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Therapy Talk

If there’s one thing we really strive for in monchichi’s therapy program, it’s to generalize his new skills and use them outside of his immediate community, so that we know he has mastered a particular task.  Lately, I find that I too have begun to generalize some of  the things I have learned in his program. [...]

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The Evolution of Playdates

2004:Superman:  fart……….spit up………………poop……………..”waaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!”Friend:  fart………….belch…………………….spit up…………”waaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” 2005:  Superman:  “mama, up, uh oh” Friend:  “mama, down, bye-bye” 2006: Superman:  “Wheeeeee!  Down the slide we go!” Friend:  “Try to catch me! Hee Hee Hee!”  2007: Superman:  “My tricycle is faster than your tricycle!” Friend:  “I’m telling!” 2008: Superman:  “Okay, I’ll be the blue Power Ranger, and you can be [...]

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Not THAT talk…..the OTHER one

As I went to feed the kids’ two behemouth goldfish Friday morning, I noticed that the one dubbed Captain Catfish was pressed strangely against the tank.  I gave the tank a little shove and, like a scene straight out of an Alfred Hitchkock horror movie, (or an R-rated version of Nemo) both fish began violently bobbing in the water until finally coming [...]

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1 in 100 (Or Something Like That)

There is a mommy-to-beout theresomewhererubbing her bellystocking up on antacidsbecause she’seating for two (and maybe, sometimes, when no one’s looking, for three) Shespends hoursresearching the best carseat/stroller systemsdaydreaming while doing the dishesabout walks in the parksletting strangers take sneak peaksat the most gorgeous baby ever to be born Her husbanddutifully goes to work each daysocking [...]

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I’m Older Than I Look

The good news is that apparently, I won’t be bothered with a mid-life crisis. The bad news is is that it’s because I’m skipping mid-life and going straight to the Depends aisle and 10% Sizzler discount on Senior Saturdays. This morning I woke up a young, vibrant, happy-go-lucky 32.Then I went to the Optometrist; the thin, flawlessly-skinned-know-it-all-bitch Optometrist.She [...]

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Or You Could Just Shut the Windows

I just got off the phone with my next door neighbor…. “Did you hear the fight?” “How could I not hear it?” “The wife and I kept trying to find the best acoustics.  The laundry room made for better sound quality than the garage.” “I had just come back from the grocery store and got [...]

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I’ve Been Demoted. At Least Until the Anger Fades.

“You used to be the best mommy, but not anymore.  You’re not being the best mommy at all.  Daddy is still the best daddy though.” The insecure, guilt-ridden, people-pleasing mommy inside of me, the one that fills my head and heart with paranoia and doubt, wants to plead with you to take it back, to promise [...]

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I Spent My Sunday Saving the Future. Or At Least Two Girls Being Overlooked By Their Parents.

Dear Young, Attractive, Visibly Self-Absorbed Couple: Yoohoo!  I’m over here.  In the private school booth, which is located directly across from the massage booth that you are standing in.  What lovely little girls you have.  They must be about 6, 7 years old, am I right?  Oh.  I see that you’re too busy to come over and [...]

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