Somewhere In the Middle

by Jo on February 4, 2009

That is where I am

I don’t petition the government
Or write threatening letters to drug companies

I don’t tape record IEP meetings or have a panel of attorneys at my side
I don’t demand that the school district pay for horse therapy or expect hard working teachers to perform miracles

I stay awake at night, counting my blessings
Cursing the autism and epilepsy

I linger at the bus and watch Monchichi get buckled in
Struggling sometimes not to climb aboard and pull him off
Because I am afraid
Because I am selfish
Because I have no control

I walk back inside
At least three times a week
With tears running down my cheeks

I love my job
Surrounded by laughing loud children
Where I can rest for a little while

Even though, I find myself
Making comparisons
Wishing things were different
Dreaming that my best friend was his teacher

I speak kindly and make jokes
And try not to burn any bridges

I put him on diets that don’t work

I pray
but maybe not enough
And sometimes even that doesn’t make me feel better

I apologize too much
Make excuses
And stress out at playgrounds
Trying to keep his feelings from getting hurt

I wonder what they will say when they finally figure this out
And how we will feel when there is a cure

I smell his hair and kiss his cheeks and make him promises I hope I can keep

I am devastated when his younger brother pushes him for the first time (tonight)
I try to hide my fears for the future
their friendship
loyalty between brothers
and whether it will be enough

I go to bed
Hoping I did a good job
Wondering how it’s possible to love him even more than the day before

And I forgive his brother
Because I love him just as much

I am somewhere in the middle
Of pain
And anger
Acceptance
And hope

I am somewhere in the middle
of clarity
confusion
a calm chaos
in the center of a crisis

I am somewhere in the middle

At least for tonight.

{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

Indy February 6, 2009 at 2:14 am

Wow. That was powerful. Sending hugs and prayers for peace your way.

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Nessa February 21, 2009 at 6:19 am

You are an amazing person, mother, teacher! I just think that he is so blessed to have you and you he. God knew what he was doing when he sent him to you. You are the perfect mother and family to take care of his little angel.You are in my prayers.

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TUC March 9, 2009 at 1:04 am

I love the way you write and how honestly you share your feelings. I got so choked up reading this post and Bittersweet Truths. You pulled me in, to a hard painful place I go sometimes… but it is comforting to know others visit the Middle too.

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