The other day I found myself at my local health store, aka the “Everything Here is Disgustingly Overpriced But You’re Desperate Enough To Pay It So We’re Gonna Charge It” store, looking for some specific supplements for Andrew.  A nice young man wearing Birkenstocks and reeking of cologne that had a striking resemblance to my friend Susie’s Volkswagen beetle our junior year of high school approached me and offered to help

“Hi there. Can I help you?”

“Yes.  I’m looking for some (insert name of super important overpriced supplement here) for my son, who suffers from autism, epilepsy, and cystic fibrosis.  We usually use this brand, but is there another one you know of that’s better?”

“Ya…..I don’t really recommend you use that supplement.”

“Really?  Why not?  It’s supposed to be great for continued brain development and a scientifically proven source of vital nourishment, especially for children who are diagnosed with severe cognitive delays.”

“Right………but it’s super bad for the environment.”


“You know.  It’s not eco-friendly.”

“You don’t say?”

“Oh ya.  It really hurts the world’s fungi distribution on the southeastern portion of the continent of Asia, thereby affecting the natural habitat of the Purple People Eater, and at this rate, it may never recover.”

“Oh.  Wow.  I. Did. Not. Know. That.  Um, so, instead of buying, the um, stuff that may really help my son, you know, because it’s not eco-friendly, what would you recommend I buy instead?”

“Why, this lovely, earth-friendly bottle of cabbage root of course!”

“And, this will help my son?”

“Oh.  Well, I don’t know about that, but it’ll definitely keep that Purple People Eater safe and sound.”

So, of course I did what any rational human being would do under these circumstances.
I grabbed that cabbage root

and shoved it up his……

(okay, maybe not, but I really, really, wanted to) 

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