10.  When you call your hostess to ask what you should bring to dinner and she suggests a side dish, you show up with a half empty bottle of homemade vodka and a box of Chicken in a Biskit.

9.  You use words like “me, mine, I, my, and myself” when asking how everyone else is doing, i.e, “I am myself curious to know, for my own peace of my mind, just how much better my life is than my sister’s, who is my flesh and blood and related to myself?”

8.  You go on a strict no-carb-macrobiotic-vegan-wheat grass diet and it’s your turn to host Thanksgiving this year.

7.  You insist on breastfeeding your newborn during the main course, so that everyone can eat together.

6.  You make references about your political views whenever you have the chance:  “Could you please pass the mashed potatoes, though I hardly see the point given that our current educational system is crumbling while we pump all of our hard earned tax dollars into the bloated prison system so that Johnny has somewhere to go once he drops out of third grade and bludgens his piano teacher with that protractor I got him for Christmas last year.  Say it with me everyone, IMPEACH!.  Mary, did you put garlic salt in this?  It’s fantastic!”

5.  You drink your dinner.

4.  Despite the “we’re only buying gifts for the kids this year” rule you and your family agreed upon, you show up with a present for everyone then get pissed and vow revenge when you leave empty-handed.

3.  You manage to convince everyone how much fun an “outdoor” Thanksgiving would be and offer to organize the whole thing, and when they show up at the designated spot, you’re miffed to find no one else is as excited as you are to eat turkey jerky while sitting on Nascar folding chairs and waiting in line at the local Walmart.

2.  You rsvp’d for one, but stopped at a bar on your way to your parents house, and after several shots with names like “Anus Burner,” “Red-Headed Slut,” and “The Angry German,” you befriend a group of traveling goat salesmen from Peru and invite them (and their goats) over on “behalf” of your mom.

1.  You announce your affair with your son’s best friend’s mom who just celebrated her15th wedding anniversary with her husband, a war veteran who is waiting for a kidney, and during prayer ask the Lord to “help speed things along” while winking at your loved ones.

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4 Replies to “Ten Signs You’re a Holiday Jackass – Part 1”

  1. I agree with all the signs of jackassishness…except the breastfeeding the newborn. I think that if anyone is offended by boobs being food they should jump off of a cliff.

  2. I'm with Natasha on this one. I'm still nursing my 19mo/old son and 1.) it is rare that people catch a peek of the girls, and 2.) if they did, see Natasha's last sentence.

  3. Thank you both for taking the time to visit and comment on my blog! I completely understand where you're coming from and assure you that I make fun of everyone equally! =) I breastfed both of my boys and looking back, wish I had stuck it out a bit longer. Boobs as food is as nature intended it. =)

  4. Ok, this is hilarious but did these things ACTUALLY happen? I cannot imagine KNOWING anyone like this!

    PS: The political ranting person at the dinner table is my DAD. Annoying and a HUGE sore spot for me!

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