Among the mystery cans and salad dressing bottles in the bed
among the in-home therapy each day after school
the YouTube videos on repeat
the inappropriate squeals during church
the stims and elopement that always keep us on our toes
there is that other thing we don’t talk about quite as often
because, after dosing you with what can only be described as a crapload of medication twice each day,
we rarely see it for months at a time, and end up taking the silence for granted
like an overlooked child starving for attention
it stomps its feet
and throws a good old fashioned tantrum
while I’m feasting on mini-pizzas and homemade guacamole

Your eyes roll in the back of your head
a split second of disorientation for you
a lifetime of anguish for me
and when I turn to hold you in my arms
it happens again
and by the time Your daddy comes home
I am struggling not to crumple to the floor
and throw a  #$#%%-ing tantrum of my own

we watch Princess and the Frog
and carefully tally the times
you are interrupted by
this neurological misfit
and I wonder what you’re thinking
and what you would say to me if you could speak
and how I would trade places with you in a second

The beauty of your long lashes
pressed against your lids
don’t make any sense
as you give in to this ugliness
and you are exhausted now
and so am I
but I wait until you sleep
before I let the weight of the world
consume me

I will let you watch that part in Cars
as many times as you freakin want
and I’ll let you snuggle with condiment bottles
and you can eat chocolate on my white comforter
and splash all the water out of the tub

while we cuddle on the couch
your breath steady against my neck
I’ll have to really think about
how I’m going to accomplish
never letting you out of my sight

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3 Replies to “Another Reason Why I Eat Cheese-Its at 1:00 O’clock in the Morning”

  1. I am…….speechless. I am in tears here reading this and I cannot imagine watching your precious child go through something like this time and time again. How frightened and helpless you must feel.

    There are no words. I am just sitting here with a lump in my throat. I am so sorry Jo.

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