Superman has discovered Informercials.
In other words, Dammit.
Instead of getting up when his favorite show is being interrupted by the latest plea to purchase some oddball invention, he sits in front of the television, mesmerized by the possibilities being presented by someone who always sounds as if his Immodium has worn off and he’s on the verge of a major bathroom faux pas.
“Pick up the phone and order Today.”
“Right now. In the next two minutes!”
“Do it before I poop in my pants!”
The urgency is not lost on my son.
“Mom! Hurry and write this number down. It’s a toothpaste holder and there’s NO mess and it gives you the PERFECT amount of toothpaste everytime!!”
“Hey mom. I think I feel a draft. We must get the Twin Draft Guard. It’s simple to install! It never needs adjusting! It has an airtight seal! Do you realize the amount of money you could be saving on your heating and cooling needs?”
“Mommy!!!! Quick! Look! We have to order the hover disk now before they run out! Oh My Gosh, we have to order in the next FOUR minutes or the police will come to our house and take us away to jail!”
“I don’t know how we’ve survived so long without the Mr. Steamy! It’s like we’re living in the dark ages. I’ve been meaning to tell you that my clothes are unsightly due to persistant wrinkles. Clearly I cannot possibly be expected to go back to school until you resolve this mess by purchasing the Mr. Steamy right now, using your Visa or Mastercard, for only $19.99 plus shipping and handling which also includes your free gift, a glow in the dark denture box!”
After comingthisclose to convincing me that we need the Mr. Steamy or our lives will be forever unmanageable, the next step is quite clear.
He’s going into sales.
I’m on the phone ordering the No Workout Ab Flexor Meal Maker Dust Blaster Poop Wiper 2000.
There’s only three minutes left.