Well, I’m back on the low carb wagon folks, and that means one of two things:

1.  I’m going to kill someone.
2.  I’m going to kill someone slowly, using the kind of torture that would make Homeland Security cower in the corner.

Here’s the deal.

I’m fat.

I’m not self-depricating here people, nor am I fishing for compliments (of course, if you’d like to toss one my way, I won’t try to stop you); I’m just merely stating the facts.  And the fact is, I need to lose, like 60 pounds.  I joke about it often, mostly because humor is self-soothing and goes really great with a double fudge brownie.  Also, it’s my way of dealing with an uncomfortable truth in a way that is relatable to others, for the sole purpose of deflecting rather than dealing with the pain and anguish that continues to plague my life.

********************awkward silence******************

So, back to the low carb thing. 

I was reminded today that there aren’t enough part-skim, low moisture mozzarella cheese sticks in the world to curb my cravings for enriched unbleached flour products.

Also, I may or may not have stolen a pack of sugar-free gum from Ian and chewed the entire thing at once, sucking out the sweet, potentially harmful fake sugar in a frenzy not unlike something you would see on Animal Planet.

I can’t wait to be skinny!

PS. If I seem snarky today, just wait until next week. I’ll be throwing F-bombs in posts about baby seals and the whimsical nature of shetland ponies, guaranteed.

PPS.  I just licked the cupcake on my website header.  It tasted better than what I had for dinner.

PPPS.  Low carb diets suck.

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5 Replies to “South Beach Can Suck It”

  1. Just take it one day at a time ! Be easy on yourself – Remember , there is always someone skinner , someone fatter , someone prettier , someone uglier !

  2. I can't wait to be skinny either. Let's wallow in our carb-deprived misery together. 🙂

  3. Hey i am fat too! Let's just get rid of all the damn cruel mirrors in the world and we can live together and eat all the carbs we want. And we can tell each other we look great every damn day.


    Okay I am kidding. I am dieting too. SINCE I WAS 9.

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