Two weeks ago our family indulged in something we have wanted for some time: annual Disney passports.
It cost almost as much as an average SoCal mortgage payment, but we justified it by stomping our feet and proclaiming that we “really really really really want it NOW!” That seemed to work so I am considering adopting this method in all areas of my life (weight loss, finances, the last parking spot at Target before you have to take a city transit bus back to the store). I’ll keep you updated on my success.
I knew we would have fun once we started going. I mean, it’s Disneyland, for pete’s sake*. What I didn’t count on was the insane amount of angry miniature human beings running around throughout the park; yelling, screaming, arching their backs in protest. And no, I’m not talking about a mob of midgets with anger management issues. I’m talking about children. YOUR children. Children who are supposed to be having a magical time in the land of fairy and fluff. Children who should be basking in all that is mass-marketed and trademarked. Children who ought to know that this grown up spent a significant amount of money to enjoy some well-deserved peace and quiet. Sheesh.
Instead, for every two kids that are smiling there are ten that look almost homicidal. Seriously. Who wants to stand in a two hour line with Children of the Corn?
Since I would rather not touch the dishes in my sink or pack lunches conveyer-belt-style for tomorrow, I have snuck into the computer room and come up with a list of ways to prevent a total meltdown on your next trip to Disney. So pay attention. Because trust me; my meltdowns are known to leave marks.
1. Your baby is 2 hours old. It doesn’t even know it’s alive yet. Please exit the park and don’t come back until after the umbilical cord has been cut.
2. You know how everytime you shove your kid next to a gigantic 8 foot replica of a cartoon he watches from the safety of his couch at home and he looks like maybe he’s having a mild coronary while you adjust your lens and bark at him to smile and he maybe pees and/or poops a little in his pants and begins to sob uncontrollably? Are you high? Knock it off. A life-sized Goofy scares the #$%% out of most adults, let alone a toddler with incontinence.
3. Sticking a 6 year old on Barf On Me Mountain is funny when I’m watching it on YouTube, not when she’s sitting right behind me on the ride. Just because your child meets the height requirement for riding DeathByShinyCatapult doesn’t mean you should actually put her on it. A good indicator that she’s probably not the best candidate: she gets motion sickness from earth orbiting the sun.
4. If there’s anything flourescent coming out of any orifice, please leave your child at home, your local grocery store, or the nearest well-lit street corner. I don’t care. Just don’t bring him near Mickey and friends. Given the state of our economy, they may put the old mouse down rather than pay the deductible on his health care plan if he happens to get a bad case of the sniffles. Let’s not risk it, okay?
I think that just about sums it up.
I’m sure though, that as the year progresses and we have more opportunities to visit America’s favorite playground, new and improved tips will be coming your way regularly.
*Who the hell is Pete?