Dear Young, Attractive, Visibly Self-Absorbed Couple:
Yoohoo! I’m over here. In the private school booth, which is located directly across from the massage booth that you are standing in. What lovely little girls you have. They must be about 6, 7 years old, am I right? Oh. I see that you’re too busy to come over and talk about your children’s academic future because you’re partaking in the free five minute massages they’re advertising over there. The ones that are given by those underage boy toys who claim to work for their
pimp mother who happens to be a “chiropractor”.
Just wondering if you’ve noticed that your girls have walked a few feet to the right and are now standing smack dab in the middle of the Passion Party booth? The one adorned with pink feather boas, glittery banners, and pastel-hued personal lubricants? No? Oh yeah. They’re over there right now getting a hands-on education about the kind of stuff that’s typically omitted from the California State Standards (I can’t speak for other states though).
Anyway, I’ve managed to convince your girls to come on over to the G-rated section of the Expo and I’m giving them a bright yellow bag filled with our pamphlet, website information, playdoh, and a good old fashioned lollipop (for the record, the um, various samples the girls threw in there are NOT affiliated with our school).
Should you decide that BestPrivateSchoolThisSideofOrangeCounty is the right fit for you, please contact us at the number listed on the brochure to schedule your tour. It is a worthy investement; one that will yield high returns for many years to come.
Well, I hope you enjoyed your massage. By the way, I just saw your daughters again. They’re headed towards the stripper pole lessons, located at the end of our aisle, right next to the Orphans for Christ tent.
I look forward to your call.
*So much of this post is NOT exaggerated, it’s scary. The private school where I teach participated in a “Family Expo” this weekend and our booth was located across from a seedy massage joint and a sex toy distributor. I swear. It’s as if the Blogging Gods themselves were smiling down upon me.*