February 2010

God Doesn’t Care Where You Sit, As Long As You Aren’t Picking Your Nose in the Pew

Nothing challenges my faith in a merciful Lord like a Sunday morning mass filled with wailing babies and booger-eating toddlers.  I’m not sure what the Bible’s official position on the latter is, but I’m sure it involves the fiery pits of hell because gross, eating your boogers should be a mortal sin. I go to church [...]

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I Am Temporarily Unsubscribing My Mother So That She Doesn’t Read This Post

So…..I have this teeny tiny dilemma.  Last week, I noticed that one of my favorite, understated wreaths that hangs in my living room ( i have two identical ones) was missing. I wasn’t entirely sure how long it had been gone, but something about the room had been off for days and I thought I was losing my [...]

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Whatever Makes His Day Easier…..Right?

As Monchichi gets on the bus, he takes his sweet time picking out which giant seat he wants to sit in.  I tell his bus driver, Veronica, how nice it is of her to let him spend a few moments figuring out the perfect place to plant his tiny keister.  “Whatever makes his day easier,” She says with [...]

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This Post is Rated TMI

That’s Too Much Information for those of you who aren’t on the up and up regarding online acronyms.So.Last chance to turn back now. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. So today I had my annual physical.  And by annual I mean once every five years.I have new insurance (woohooo honey!) and a new doctor and [...]

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This Again

I keep hearing the same crap. “Autism is not a disease.”“Autism is not a disorder.”“People with Autism are simply different.” I get it.I do.  I think (though at times it’s debatable) that we are all entitled to our own opinions, no matter how idiotic yours may be.  Sorry.  I haven’t fully reached the level of acceptance yet.  [...]

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He Says, She Says

He tells her she looks beautifulShe blushes, though she’s heard this from him before He lays his hand on her lap in the carShe feels the warmth penetrate through her bones He holds the door open for herShe feels like a million bucks He winces as she reads the nutritional information from the menuShe changes [...]

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Just In Case You Thought I Was Normal

I am 17listening to an answering machine messageinforming me of the deathof a friend I sawonly three days beforehis golden curlssmeared with bloodon the 405his motorcycle crushed by a big rigthere was no pain they told his mother Days laterI am sitting in Econone amonga roomful of horny teenagersignoring a lecture on the importance of a [...]

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Try Saying That Ten Times Fast

Apparently, I don’t have enough to write about(insert sarcastic eye roll here)because today I was officially diagnosed with a new, fun and exciting disorder that will make me the most in-demand guest at otherwise boring get-togethers: Partygoer: “Hey, look, it’s Jo!  The Woman of Many Disorders!  I bet she’ll have something interesting to add to [...]

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Living in the Meantime

It started at a very young age. I recall never being fully satisfied with what I had; always looking towards the next thing, promising myself that life would be great as soon as I didn’t have to shop at Kmart for back-to-school clothesorI could get my bangs to curl exactly like perfectly perky Sue’sorthat dumbass boy [...]

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Get Me Off This Roller Coaster!

It first happened in the summer of 2007, after a transatlantic flight to my beloved Poland.  I had taken this flight many times in my late teens and early twenties, but this time there were some significant differences. 1.  I wasn’t drunk and spending all of my vacation money on Tommy Girl perfume and cartons [...]

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