I had a dream last night
that you were drowning
as I stood
helplessly
safely
onshore next to your brother
Your tiny body fighting to stay afloat
in a ruthless sea that didn’t give a $#$%
about how much I loved you
or that my world would come to a screeching halt
if you were to be taken from me
and each time i tried to make my way
towards your flailing arms
the water would swell in defiance
the ambivalent wind howling at my back
while I shouted profanities at the little faith in God I had left
wondering which sins I was being punished for
as you were being swept away from me
a fragment of my tattered imagination, I know.
Do you hear me?
I Know
that it’s just the subconcious
acting out the fears
of a mother
facing uncertainties about her son’s future
Still,
I awaken drenched in horror
my eyes fixated on your sleeping profile
my heart and my brain trying hard to reason with one another
because here you are safe and sound, tucked quietly under my shaking arms
yet I am still standing on that rocky shore
watching those ferocious waves
sickening reminders that
you are
not living
your life
on
my
terms
As a mommy and as your friend this COMPLETELY tore me up. I am sorry you are feeling this way but I totally GET YOU. I dont even want to imagine your fears. I have TONS of irrational fears daily so I dont even want to wrap my brain around the enormity of yours. Your love, devotion, and even your panic swell my eyes up. Hang in there girl!
My son is 18 and this shook me to the core. This is exactly how I feel about his life. Everyday.
loved reading this… touching and haunting. i'm probably not in the same shoes but i can definitely relate to similar feelings just as a mother.