April 2010

Crap I Didn’t Know Until I Became A Mom

In no particular order, a sample of the kind of wisdom that is bestowed upon mothers everywhere, usually sometime between the last push and high school graduation.  It is, much like our most coveted role as MOM, in constant progress. 1.  You can get stretch marks anywhere.  As in, anywhere.  Go ahead.  Take a look [...]

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Another Reason Why I Eat Cheese-Its at 1:00 O’clock in the Morning

Among the mystery cans and salad dressing bottles in the bedamong the in-home therapy each day after schoolthe YouTube videos on repeatthe inappropriate squeals during churchthe stims and elopement that always keep us on our toesthere is that other thing we don’t talk about quite as oftenbecause, after dosing you with what can only be described [...]

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Can I Borrow A Dollar?

Recently, after going over some banking statements, my husband made a startling discovery: I’ve been spending all of our money. No one was more surprised than me.  “Really?” I said. He gave me one of those looks that suggested I sleep with one eye open that night.  So ever since he realized that I’ve been [...]

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What Did You Just Say?!

I love teaching at the same school where Superman is a thriving first grader. Being able to sneak in hugs and kisses as he passes me on his way to art class. Watching as he outruns his friends during a game of monster tag during recess. Listening as his teacher sings his praises as a natural [...]

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Another Name for Coward is Daniel Dorn

I want one hour in a locked room with a schmuck named Daniel Dorn.Don’t know who I’m talking about?  You can read all about it here.  His now ex-wife, Abbie Dorn, went into cardiac arrest and suffered brain damage while delivering their triplets four years ago.  A year after her injuries were sustained, he decided to [...]

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I’m Sorta Not Okay. I Guess.

On Sunday morning, I was awakened by my eight year old in his usual style:  climbing on top of me and pulling my hair.  He keeps doing it, because despite my best efforts to get him to stop, it works every time.  It’s hard to sleep while someone is trying to give you a haircut using their fists. [...]

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I Almost Had To Write This in the Bathroom

I’ve lost six pounds!In less than 48 hours!Apparently all it takes to get this mama into her favorite pair of blue jeansis a violent strain of gastrosomeoneshootmeintheassbeforeihavetogotothebathroomagain.  Yesterday, during a particularly bad spell, I was leaned up against the toilet, covered in sweat, suffering from what some may describe as a total psychotic meltdown.  I suggested to my [...]

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Medical Malpractice

So during my shower this morning I had a little blast from the past and I randomly remembered the time my doctor from the good ol days (and by good ol days I mean the days when the nurse didn’t have to keep pushing that black lever thingy on the scale over until it was all the way at the end and [...]

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And Guess What?!

7:05 a.m.“Mom.  Mom.  Mom.  Guess what?  So I was on the playground and then Benny came up and he wanted to show me this bug he caught by the tree, you know, the tree in the corner with the big green leaves, and so he showed me the bug and I was like ’eww, that is one giant bug’ [...]

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Playboy Playmates are People Too

*Warning.  This post contains PG-13 rated material.  If you’re feeling like a prude, get over it.  If you’re here because you are a disgusting pig and  googled something nasty then ended up on my blog instead, HA HA!*  I recently realized that I have way more in common with Playboy Playmates than previously thought. For [...]

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