January 2010

Leave a Message After the Beep

Saturday, January 30, 2010 12:00 p.m – Phone rings“Hello?’“Hi.  Did you just call me?”“No, Mom”“Oh.  Well it says I missed a call.  It says unknown number.”“Mom, I’m not an unknown number.”“Okay, bye.” 12:05 p.m. – Phone rings“Hello?”“Hi.  It’s me again.  I will pick Superman up from Polish school.”“Thanks mom.”“Also, please go outside to breathe the [...]

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Modify This

I am sitting across from a pretty little thing, hair pulled back behind her ears, a stack of papers in front of her, large solitaire diamond ring on her left hand.  She is alternating between praising my “adorable” son (I can’t say I disagree) and going over proposed goals for the new year. I wait [...]

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Going to an IEP Meeting is Like Getting a Root Canal. By Your Mechanic. In the Back of Your Car. Without Novocaine.

We’ve got it all wrong with the waterboarding. You want to get terrorists to talk, get them to sit through a few IEP (that’s Individualized Education Program for those of you missing out on these rambunctious little get togethers) meetings and they’ll be admitting they invented trans fats. Monchichi’s is tomorrow.  As in, C.R.A.P. It’s that time [...]

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Decoding the Non-Verbal Child: A Guide for Parents and Loved Ones

I love to talk.Let me rephrase that.I love to hear myself talk.  And I’m pretty damn good at it.  In fact, when coupled with what some may refer to as dangerous hand gestures, I am a communicating badass.  I once had a group of friends bet that I couldn’t talk while sitting on my hands.  [...]

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Thank Heaven For Little Boys

A little bit nostalgiaa little bit pmsI stare at my son’s latest artworkcrookedly hanging above my bedframeand cry a cry usually reserved forjob lossfood poisoningbad haircutsthe crooked two-wheeled truckwith an American Flag paint jobthe kind of picture a momwould confidantly pit againstVan Gogh or RenoirI think about his two front teethso loose and crooked I want [...]

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Adaptive Doesn’t Have to Mean Butt Ugly

Dude. I was just surfing the internet, trying to gather some information on adaptive bicycles (which by the way cost about the equivalent of a suburban mortgage payment) and other such equipment, and it has come to my attention that there is a very real and very hideous movement going on. What the hell is this?http://www.adaptivemall.com/specneedtric.html Englarge the [...]

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But Wait! There’s More!

Superman has discovered Informercials.  In other words, Dammit.Instead of getting up when his favorite show is being interrupted by the latest plea to purchase some oddball invention, he sits in front of the television, mesmerized by the possibilities being presented by someone who always sounds as if his Immodium has worn off and he’s on [...]

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